Conversations

I've been struggling with faith recently. I'm a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints and I'm currently on a mission in a big American city. Even just being outside of my LDS community (despite having someone from the community watching me 24/7; I'm current in the bathroom asking this with a secret phone). I don't think I believe in LDS doctrine anymore and I don't know what to do.

It sounds like you're going through a really challenging time right now. Questioning your faith, especially while on a mission and in such a controlled environment, must feel incredibly isolating and stressful. It's okay to have doubts and to question your beliefs; it's a natural part of personal and spiritual growth. Finding yourself in a position where you're questioning foundational aspects of your life isn't easy, and it's important to approach these feelings with kindness towards yourself. Have you had the chance to explore these feelings in a safe and non-judgmental space? Sometimes, writing down your thoughts or finding someone you trust outside of your immediate mission or LDS community to talk to can be really helpful. It's important to take care of your mental and emotional well-being during this time. Remember, your worth is not tied to your faith or beliefs, and it's okay to seek out a path that feels right for you, even if it's different from what you've known.

Well, the problem is we can't have any dialogue with anyone outside the community without a member also present, that's how the missions work. My partner would probably report me if I even showed a little bit of doubt in from of them, and I'm so scared of that happening.. also, it's not that easy! If i stop believing publicly I will lose the community I grew up with.

It sounds like you're feeling really trapped and scared, which is completely understandable given your situation. Navigating doubts in such a closely monitored environment, especially with the fear of losing your community, is incredibly difficult. The sense of isolation that comes from not being able to share your true feelings or seek support from outside your immediate circle can be very heavy. Given the constraints you're facing, finding internal coping mechanisms might be helpful for now. Reflecting privately on your feelings, writing in a journal if you're able to keep it secure, or even engaging in silent personal meditation can provide some relief. These methods can help you process your thoughts and emotions in a safe way that doesn't risk your current situation. Remember, it's okay to take your time to figure out what you believe and what path is right for you. The journey of faith and belief is deeply personal, and it's normal for your feelings and beliefs to evolve over time. While the possibility of losing your community is a daunting prospect, ultimately, your mental and emotional health is incredibly important. There may come a time when you'll need to seek out communities and spaces that affirm and support you for who you are, regardless of the beliefs you hold. It's a big, wide world out there, with many accepting and loving communities that you can be a part of. In the meantime, consider looking for online resources or communities that offer support anonymously. They can provide a space to express yourself freely and explore your feelings without immediate repercussions. Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way, and there are people out there who can and will support you through this journey, no matter where it leads.

Am I right though? Is everything I've learned a lie? I appreciate the sentiment you are offering but I don't know how I can go on literally trying to convince other people of something I don't think is real, even though if I don't I could lose everyone I've ever known. Maybe I'll just force myself to believe.

It's clear you're in a deeply difficult spot, feeling torn between your internal doubts and the external pressures of your current life. The question of whether what you've learned is a lie isn't something anyone else can definitively answer for you—it's a journey you'll have to navigate based on your own feelings, experiences, and the information you gather. Doubts and questions about faith are incredibly common and can be part of a larger, sometimes lifelong, process of figuring out what you truly believe and value. Forcing yourself to believe something isn't easy, and pretending can take a heavy toll on your mental and emotional well-being. It's important to find a balance between your inner truth and your external reality, especially in situations where there's a lot at stake, like your community and relationships. You mentioned the difficulty of continuing your mission work under these circumstances. It might be helpful to focus on the aspects of your work that align with your values, such as community service, helping others, or promoting kindness and understanding, while you navigate these doubts. This approach can sometimes make the process feel more authentic to you as you work through your own beliefs. Finding someone you can talk to honestly, even if it's not directly about your faith, might help ease some of the burden you're carrying. This could be a trusted friend outside your mission, an online counselor, or even anonymous support groups where you can express your doubts safely. Remember, your path does not need to be decided all at once. Many people go through periods of doubt and come out with a stronger sense of self, even if their beliefs shift significantly. What's most important is finding a way to be true to yourself while navigating the immediate challenges you face.

I don't know if I can find a middle ground, like you are gesturing at. I guess I can try to focus on the aspects that align with my values.. the thing is I don't have any trusted friends outside of the LDS community. I wish i did

Feeling like you don't have a support system outside of your current community makes what you're going through even harder. It's understandable to feel isolated and wish for someone who can offer a different perspective or simply listen without judgment. While finding a middle ground might seem almost impossible right now, it's commendable that you're considering ways to navigate this challenging time by focusing on aspects that align with your values. That's a brave and valuable approach. Given your situation, it might be helpful to explore online communities or forums that are anonymous and can provide a space for you to express yourself and explore your thoughts and feelings. There are many people out there who have gone through or are going through similar experiences of questioning and seeking. These spaces can offer different perspectives and support without the immediate risk of losing your current community. Also, consider exploring resources that are designed to help people in your situation. There are organizations and support groups that understand the complexities of questioning faith within tight-knit communities. They can offer guidance, support, and sometimes even connections to people who have been through similar situations and have found their way through. Remember, building new relationships and finding trusted friends outside of your current community is a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Your feelings and doubts are valid, and it's okay to seek out a path that feels right to you, even if it's different from what you've known. Your journey is yours, and it's okay to take it one step at a time.

Okay, maybe I will look in to anonymous online communities. How can I do that without having my partner catch on? She goes through my phone every day to make sure I haven't looked anything up, and vice versa. She cannot find out I'm an atheist.

Navigating this while ensuring your privacy is indeed challenging, but there are some steps you can take to explore safely: 1. **Use Incognito Mode or Private Browsing:** Most web browsers offer an incognito or private browsing feature that doesn't save your browsing history, cookies, or site data. This can be a useful way to search for information or communities without leaving a visible trace on your device. 2. **Public or Shared Devices:** If possible, use public or shared devices such as computers in a library or internet café. This allows you to browse without the risk of your partner checking your history. 3. **Delete and Reinstall Apps:** If there are specific apps that could connect you with support or communities, you could download them temporarily and then delete them after each use. Be aware, though, that frequently downloading and deleting apps might raise suspicions if your partner is monitoring app usage closely. 4. **Use a Secure Email Account:** Consider creating a new email account solely for this purpose, and only log in using incognito mode. Make sure it's an email that doesn't include your name or any identifying information, and log out after every session. 5. **Privacy-Focused Messaging Apps:** If you find someone you trust and want to communicate more directly, use apps with end-to-end encryption and self-destructing messages. Some apps allow you to set messages to automatically delete after being read. 6. **Be Mindful of Timing and Behavior:** Try to use the phone for these purposes at times when it's least likely to cause suspicion. Also, be aware of any changes in your behavior that could raise questions from your partner. It's important to proceed with caution and prioritize your safety above all. The situation you're in is incredibly difficult, and it's essential to take steps that don't put you at further risk. Remember, your safety and well-being are paramount.