Conversations

I really dislike social gatherings because I feel I am socially awkward in a big group. However, recently I noticed I don't feel as bad if I bring my boyfriend. I know this isn't a good solution because it's not like at all social gatherings you could bring your boyfriend.

It's completely understandable to feel more at ease having someone you trust and feel comfortable with, like your boyfriend, by your side in social settings. It's a natural feeling to rely on someone who gives you a sense of security. Remember, though, each experience is a step toward becoming more comfortable in different social situations. Maybe you can look at these gatherings as opportunities to gradually build your confidence. Over time, you might find strategies that work for you, even in moments when your boyfriend isn't there. It's all about taking small steps and being kind to yourself through the process.

I think you're right that having someone I trust there makes me feel safer. When my boyfriend is around, I don’t feel as much pressure to perform socially or say the right thing. I don't have to worry about looking lonely or force myself to talk to others. Without him, I start overthinking that people will think I'm a loner and then try to insert myself in other groups awkwardly. To be honest, I’m not sure how to get to that same level of comfort on my own or if I ever will.

It's completely okay to feel that way. Having someone you trust by your side can indeed act like a safety net, making social interactions feel less daunting. The pressure you're feeling to perform or fit in is something many people experience, so you're not alone in those feelings. Building comfort and confidence on your own is a journey, and it's different for everyone. You could start small, perhaps by setting mini-goals for yourself in social settings, like initiating a conversation with one new person or staying for a set amount of time before allowing yourself the option to leave. Celebrate those small victories, as they are steps towards feeling more at ease. Also, remember that it's okay to be more of an observer or to have quieter moments in groups. Not everyone needs to be the life of the party. People value listeners and those who bring a calm presence to a group. Over time, and with gentle self-encouragement, you might find yourself discovering ways to be comfortable in your own company in social settings. And it's perfectly fine to take this journey at your own pace.

While I do like the idea of setting small goals, part of me still feels discouraged. Sometimes when I’m in a group, I actually really don’t know what to say making it so that even starting one conversation feels scary. I end up standing there quietly and then feeling like I shouldn’t have come in the first place because I look like insecure loner which I hate. It sucks because I see that some people are just naturally better at social situations than others. It makes me wonder maybe I just don't give off an aura that people like.

Feeling discouraged and out of place in social situations is something many can relate to, even if it might not seem that way. It's tough when it feels like you're on the outside looking in, wondering how to bridge that gap. Remember, though, your value in social settings isn't solely defined by how much you speak or how effortlessly you seem to mingle. Your presence alone is enough, and your worth isn't determined by how many conversations you start or join. It's also important to remember that people are often more focused on themselves in social settings than on judging others. Many might be feeling just as unsure or are too wrapped up in their own experiences to notice the things you're worried about. Regarding starting conversations, maybe think about some light, general topics ahead of time. Questions about the event you're at, comments on something you've observed, or even just a simple, "How do you know [the host]?" can be good icebreakers. Sometimes, letting the other person do a bit more talking at first can ease the pressure off you until you find common ground to engage more comfortably. It's also okay to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort as part of the process of growing. Being quieter or more reserved doesn't mean you don't give off an aura that people like. Everyone has their unique charm and ways of connecting with others. Finding your way to express that might take time and might look different from others, and that's perfectly okay. Remember to be kind to yourself and recognize the courage it takes to face these situations. Each step, no matter how small, is progress.

I think what you said about people focusing on themselves might be somewhat right but it’s still hard for me to believe it in the moment. When I’m standing there quietly, it feels like everyone can see that I don’t belong. I start comparing myself to the people who seem naturally funny or confident. One time in high school, I was sitting at a table by myself and a substitute teacher walked up to me and said "Are you just sitting by yourself?"..I know she was mocking me because of course she can see that. People do notice that.

I'm really sorry you had that experience in high school. It sounds like a hurtful moment, and it's understandable that it would stay with you and affect how you see social situations now. It's tough when it feels like our fears are confirmed by someone else's thoughtless comments. Remember, though, that one person's insensitivity doesn't define your worth or your ability to connect with others. It's natural to compare ourselves to those around us, especially in moments of vulnerability. But it's also important to remember that everyone has their struggles, even those who appear confident and funny on the surface. What we see in social situations is often just the tip of the iceberg of what someone is actually experiencing. In those moments when you feel out of place or start to compare yourself, it might help to have a few affirmations or reminders for yourself. For example, reminding yourself that it's okay to be who you are, that you're not alone in feeling this way, and that your presence is valuable even if you're not the center of attention. It might also help to practice mindfulness or grounding techniques to help bring you back to the present and reduce those feelings of being watched or judged. Building self-confidence, especially after experiences that have chipped away at it, is a gradual process. It involves a lot of self-compassion and patience. It's okay to take things one step at a time and to acknowledge that some days will be harder than others. Your journey is unique, and it's okay to move at your own pace.

It's the truth that the moment stuck with me more than I realized. It has been years. Ever since then, being alone in a social setting makes me feel really exposed, like people are silently judging me. Even if no one says anything now, my mind goes back to that feeling. I do believe that people don't really pay attention to your outfit or if you're weird but I think they do notice outcasts.

It's completely understandable that such a moment has had a lasting impact on you. Moments that make us feel exposed or judged, especially in our formative years, can deeply influence how we view ourselves in social contexts later on. It's tough when those old feelings of being the "outcast" get triggered, even if the current situation is quite different. It might be helpful to gently challenge those thoughts when they arise. For instance, when you feel exposed or worry about being judged, remind yourself that most people are likely more focused on their own experiences and insecurities. It's a common human tendency to think others are observing us more closely than they actually are, a concept known as the "spotlight effect." Also, it's worth considering that people might not be noticing in the way you fear. Instead, they might see someone who is independent, someone who is comfortable on their own, or they might not be thinking much about it at all. Our self-perceptions can be our harshest critics. Finding ways to rebuild your confidence in social settings can also involve focusing on what makes you feel grounded and secure. This could be through developing hobbies, skills, or interests that boost your self-esteem or by practicing self-affirmation exercises that reinforce your value beyond social situations. Remember, it's okay to seek support, whether that's talking to friends who understand, seeking out groups of people with similar interests, or even professional support to work through these feelings. You're not alone in feeling this way, and it's more than okay to take the time you need to heal and find your footing again in social situations. Each small step you take towards challenging those old narratives is a victory worth celebrating.

I know they are focused on themselves but even a substitute teacher notices me being alone and said something about it. The whole point is, they might not care about like clothes and stuff but they definitely do notice when you're alone and outcasted from the group.

You're right, and I'm sorry if my previous responses seemed to overlook the reality of your experiences. Instances like the one with the substitute teacher can feel particularly validating to the fear that being alone draws negative attention. It's a painful reminder that sometimes, people do notice and may even comment on our solitude, which can reinforce feelings of being an outcast. It's important to acknowledge these feelings and the impact they have on you. The truth is, while many people are wrapped up in their own experiences, there will be moments when someone might notice and might not respond with the kindness or understanding we hope for. It's a tough aspect of navigating social spaces that can make you feel particularly vulnerable. In these moments, one way to empower yourself is by developing a sense of self-acceptance and finding value in your own company. This isn't to say that you should simply accept feeling outcasted or that it's easy to brush off unkind remarks—but rather, finding strength in knowing who you are and that being alone or feeling like an outcast doesn't define your worth or your capabilities. Another approach is to gradually challenge these fears by placing yourself in social situations with a different mindset. For example, viewing being alone as an opportunity for self-reflection or as a moment to observe and learn from others can sometimes shift the internal narrative from one of vulnerability to one of strength and independence. It's also perfectly okay to seek environments where you feel more accepted and connected. Finding communities or groups where you share common interests can help mitigate those feelings of being an outcast, as shared interests can be a powerful connector. Remember, healing from these experiences and changing the narrative around being alone or feeling outcasted is a process. It takes time, patience, and often a bit of support, whether from friends, family, or professionals. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to take the time you need to navigate them.