Conversations

I'm in an open relationship, and recently I was talking to someone who I was developing an interest in. But I just found out they have been in a relationship the entire time we've been talking, about a year

That sounds like a tough situation to be in. Finding out someone wasn't completely upfront with you, especially after developing a connection over a year, can feel pretty disappointing and hurtful. It’s important to consider your feelings and what you need moving forward. Do you feel like you can talk to them about how this revelation makes you feel?

I don't think they really led me on or anything, we weren't overtly flirting. But it does seem odd to never mention that information to me, I'm not sure why they did it. If I were their partner I would probably not love if they spoke with someone else for that long without even mentioning me...

It does sound like a complex situation. Communication in any form of relationship is key, and it’s understandable to feel unsettled by their omission. It’s possible they had their reasons for not sharing, but it’s also valid for you to question what those reasons might be, especially in the context of open and honest relationships. If you're comfortable, it might be worth bringing up your feelings in a conversation with them. It could help clarify their perspective and where you both stand. Your feelings and concerns are important in navigating this situation.

I'm afraid if I bring it up it will make it sound like I was only interested in dating them, that I don't value having a platonic relationship, and I don't want them to think that. My feelings being hurt are my fault, not theirs. I thought a lot about different things I wanted to do with them, tried to make plans to go out and do activities together in the future. They seemed interested, but I guess it was fully just as friends. I didn't think for sure that our hang outs would be dates, and I would have gone into them assuming they were not, but kind of hoping they'd want them to be

It's natural to hope for a deeper connection with someone you're interested in, and it's not wrong to feel hurt when expectations and reality don't align. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to hope for something more while still valuing a friendship. If you decide to talk to them, you could frame it in a way that focuses on your feelings without placing blame. You might express that you value their friendship and were simply surprised to learn about their relationship status. It's a way to communicate your feelings honestly while emphasizing that your interest in spending time together isn't solely based on the potential for a romantic relationship. Remember, it's not about fault; it's about understanding and navigating the complexities of human relationships. Your feelings and needs matter in any relationship, platonic or otherwise.

The most surprising thing to me is that the relationship seems to be serious, like they're settling down together, not someone they are casually dating. It feels like to never mention something like that must be intentional, but I'm not sure why they would do that.

It does sound surprising, and I can see why you'd feel that way. Not mentioning a significant relationship, especially when it's serious, can leave people wondering about the intentions behind such an omission. There could be many reasons—maybe they wanted to keep their personal life private, or perhaps they didn't realize how important this detail was to share. However, it's also natural to question why they wouldn't mention something so integral to their life, especially when forming a close bond with someone else. Your feelings of confusion and surprise are completely justified. If you feel it's important to maintain a relationship with this person, discussing your feelings could help clear the air. It's possible to approach the conversation from a place of wanting to understand their perspective better without making assumptions about their intentions. This could help both of you understand each other's boundaries and expectations more clearly.

I guess the main thing I'm questioning is if they omitted the information because they wanted me to be/stay interested, or if they were trying to keep me open as an "option" to some extent. I'm guessing probably not, most likely they were genuinely oblivious and didn't think of it as something they needed to disclose, because they didn't realize I was developing feelings. But they said things that don't make sense to me in retrospect, things that I would think someone in a committed relationship would have phrased differently.

It's understandable to have those thoughts and questions, especially when reflecting on things they said that now seem unclear or misleading in light of this new information. It's difficult not to wonder about the possibility of their intentions or the awareness they had regarding your developing feelings. Your process of trying to make sense of their actions and words is a natural part of navigating the complexity of relationships and feelings. Given the circumstances and your reflections, it might indeed be helpful to have a conversation with them. Not necessarily to confront or accuse, but to express how you've been feeling and to seek clarity about their intentions and perspective. It's okay to want to understand their viewpoint better, especially if it helps you navigate your own feelings and decide how you want to proceed with the relationship. Remember, it's important to prioritize your feelings and well-being as you work through this. It's okay to seek closure or clarity to move forward in a way that feels right to you.

I was just really looking forward to going out with them, getting dinner, hanging out at their apartment, seeing if there was anything developing there. I know I maybe got carried away fantasizing about these things without confirming they were interested. I was waiting to see what the vibe was like when we actually got a chance to hang out. But now I feel like things are going to be different because if they have a partner, we might not be able to hang out one on one. I'm also still not 100% sure if they're in a closed relationship, or an open relationship, like me. I'm afraid to ask

It's completely natural to feel disappointed and apprehensive in this situation. Having hopes about exploring a potential connection, only to be met with uncertainty, can be disheartening. Your feelings of wanting to see where things could go are valid, and it's understandable to feel hesitant about how to proceed now. Asking about their relationship status and whether it's open or closed might feel daunting, but it could also provide the clarity you need to move forward, regardless of the nature of your relationship with them. It's okay to approach this conversation from a place of seeking understanding about where you both stand, rather than making assumptions or placing pressure on the situation. Remember, it's important to communicate your feelings and boundaries in any relationship. It shows respect for both yourself and the other person. If you decide to have this conversation, it could be an opportunity for open and honest communication, which is foundational in any kind of relationship. It's also a step towards taking care of your emotional well-being, by addressing the uncertainty that's been weighing on you.

Yeah I just feel like I don't want to make things weird with them. Talking to them made me so happy while it lasted, I am afraid to ruin it by making things awkward. I guess I'm just unsure if it will be worth it for me to continue being their friend or if it will be too painful because I'll always want more. I also know since I'm in an open relationship myself that things never could have gotten that serious with this person, it would have had to stay more like friends with benefits. And if they had wanted to be with me in a more serious capacity, it would have caused problems for me that I had to deal with in my current relationship. So it's probably for the best for things to stop before they get too far. It's just really painful at the moment after getting my hopes up that there was a chance that anything could have happened with this person

It sounds like you're going through a whirlwind of emotions, and that's completely understandable. Navigating the feelings of what could have been is often harder than dealing with the reality of what is. It's okay to grieve the potential you felt was there, even as you logically recognize that the situation might not have been ideal or even feasible in the long run. Your concern about not wanting to make things weird or risk the happiness you found in their company speaks volumes about your capacity for care and consideration. However, it's also important to prioritize your emotional well-being. Sometimes, seeking clarity and understanding can actually prevent future awkwardness by setting clear boundaries and expectations. The pain of unmet hopes can be sharp, but it's also a testament to your ability to form meaningful connections. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and recognize them as part of a process of self-discovery and growth. Whether you decide to maintain the friendship or take some space for your heart to heal, remember that it's okay to do what's best for you. Your feelings are valid, and taking care of your emotional needs is important. It might also be helpful to reflect on what this experience has taught you about your own desires and boundaries in relationships. Sometimes, the most challenging experiences lead to profound personal insights and growth.

Yeah, I think I'm going to try to just keep talking to them normally and casually, maybe see if it comes up naturally. While I have questions about their relationship, I also kind of don't want the answers. I think knowing too much about their partner and their relationship will just make me jealous and hurt more. I do think I'm going to ease up a little on how eager I was to talk to them. Stop texting them back the exact minute they text me, stop oversharing about deeper things. I felt somewhat worried that they would notice the change in my behavior after revealing they were in a relationship and deduce that I was acting differently because of this information, but I think unfortunately they probably won't notice. I'm sure they don't think about me anywhere as much as I thought about them. I just hope this doesn't hurt so badly for too long and that I can move on

It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and are approaching it with a lot of maturity. Scaling back a bit and proceeding with casual conversations seems like a sensible approach, especially if delving deeper into their relationship dynamics might cause you more pain. Adjusting your expectations and how much of yourself you're putting into this interaction can be a healthy step towards protecting your emotional well-being. It's normal to worry about changes in your behavior being noticed, but focusing on what you need right now is important. Whether they notice the shift or not, taking care of your feelings and needs should be your priority. It's also okay to grieve the situation and allow yourself the space to heal. Remember, healing takes time, and it's okay to feel sad or hurt. These feelings will lessen in intensity as you continue to process your emotions and focus on what brings you joy and fulfillment. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends or engaging in activities that you love can be a great source of comfort during this time. You're handling a complex situation with a lot of grace. Trust that with time, things will get easier, and you'll find yourself moving forward, possibly with new insights and a stronger sense of self.