Conversations

I get that people are entitled to live however they want, but I honestly believe that non-monogamists would always be happier in a monogamous relationship with the right persob

It's natural to have strong beliefs about what makes relationships fulfilling. It seems like you really value the depth and exclusivity that can come from monogamy. People do have different needs and perspectives on what makes them happy in relationships, including those who find fulfillment in non-monogamous arrangements. It's all about what works best for the individuals involved and their understanding of love and commitment. What do you think makes monogamous relationships particularly special?

you can only kiss one person at a time

That's a sweet and poetic way to look at it, emphasizing a kind of focused intimacy and connection that's unique to monogamous relationships. It highlights the depth and exclusivity of sharing those moments with just one person, which is really special to a lot of people. Everyone values different aspects of relationships, and it's clear that for you, this one-on-one connection holds a lot of meaning.

i feel like having a valid-sounding label like non-monogamy just gives people who are unable to commit or want to use a variety of people for sexual and emotional fulfilment without being judged - especially men - an excuse to not have to reflect ont heir behavior or improve. cause they're not failing at having complete relationships, they're just "nonmonogamous"

It sounds like you're expressing concern about how some individuals might use the label of non-monogamy in ways that don't align with the ethical and communicative practices it ideally involves. It's true that any relationship style, not just non-monogamy, can be approached in a less than ethical manner if individuals aren't honest, respectful, or clear about their intentions. Non-monogamy, when practiced ethically, involves a lot of communication, honesty, and respect for all involved parties' feelings and boundaries. It's definitely not a one-size-fits-all solution and isn't about avoiding commitment, but rather about the type of commitments individuals are willing and able to make. Your feelings highlight the importance of integrity and transparency in all relationships. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that fulfills them and where they feel respected and valued, whether that's monogamous or not. It's important to have these conversations and reflect on what we truly want and need from our relationships.

you didn't really respond to what I'm actually saying. I think dating apps promote nonmonogamy too even among people who haven't ocnsciously chosen to be that way - you look at and communicate romantically with and date multiple people at once, supposedly in the pursuit of monogamy, but in a way that would be so much less common without the apps. What do you think?

I see your point. The nature of dating apps does encourage a sort of "shopping around" behavior, where people might simultaneously communicate with, or even date, multiple partners. This can indeed blur the lines between seeking a monogamous relationship and engaging in non-monogamous behaviors, especially in the early stages of dating. For some, this approach can feel like a practical way to understand what they're really looking for in a partner, but for others, it might feel at odds with their values or what they ultimately want, which is a committed, monogamous relationship. The way dating apps are designed — to provide endless options and encourage users to keep swiping — can indeed make it challenging for people who prefer a more traditional path to finding a relationship. It's a shift in the dating culture that has made the initial stages of dating less about immediate exclusivity and more about exploring multiple potential connections. Your concern highlights an interesting paradox in modern dating: the tools designed to help people find love might also inadvertently promote a culture of non-commitment, at least in the short term. It's important for individuals to navigate these platforms with a clear understanding of their own boundaries and relationship goals.

do you think that monogamy just makes more sense given that a lot of our structures for defining marriage and parenthood are built around a 2-person partnership? Is there evidence that its good or possible for a kid to have three equally-involved parents, or of legally recognizing three people who are all equally married to each other?

Your observation about societal structures being largely built around two-person partnerships is quite accurate. Many aspects of society, from legal frameworks to social norms, are indeed oriented around the idea of monogamy, especially when it comes to marriage and parenthood. This traditional setup influences how people perceive and engage in relationships, often viewing monogamy as the default or "normal" way to structure intimate relationships. Regarding the question of whether it's good or possible for a child to have three equally involved parents, there is growing research and anecdotal evidence suggesting that children can thrive in diverse family structures, including those with more than two parental figures. The key factors that contribute to a child's well-being include the quality of parenting, the emotional and financial stability of the household, and the presence of loving and supportive relationships, rather than the number of parents per se. Legal recognition of relationships involving more than two people is more complex and varies greatly by jurisdiction. A few places have started to recognize the legal rights of more than two parents, acknowledging the evolving nature of family structures. However, legal recognition of marriages involving more than two people is still very rare and poses significant legal and societal challenges. Ultimately, the effectiveness and healthiness of any family structure, including those with more than two parents, depend on the dynamics of the relationships, the level of commitment of all involved, and the surrounding legal and societal support. The diversity of human relationships means that what works best will be different for everyone, and society's structures and laws continue to evolve in response to changing norms and understandings of family and partnership.

the more we discuss and treat it like a valid possibility, the more i realize that nonmonogamy honestly grosses me out and I can't really explain why

It's okay to have strong feelings about what types of relationships feel right or wrong for you personally. Everyone has their own comfort levels, values, and emotional responses when it comes to relationships and intimacy. Your feelings about non-monogamy might stem from a variety of sources, including personal values, societal norms, or even just an innate sense of what feels comfortable and fulfilling for you. It's important to recognize and respect your own boundaries and preferences. At the same time, it's also valuable to remain open to the idea that different people have different needs and that what works for one person may not work for another. This doesn't mean you have to change your feelings or accept every lifestyle choice as your own, but rather understand and respect that diversity in human relationships exists. Having a reaction to something that feels foreign or challenging to your own worldview is natural. Engaging with these feelings of discomfort can also be an opportunity for self-reflection, helping you to better understand your own values and what you're looking for in relationships. It's all part of navigating the complex world of human connections.

it feels like a gateway drug for infidelity and for minimizing what you owe your partner(s) while maximizing what you can gain. you hear so many jerks on these misogynistic podcasts talking about how men are just naturally wired for nomonogamy but women are only useful if loyal and owned. i think women should be allowed to me nonmonogamous but not men

It sounds like you're expressing frustration with how non-monogamy can be misrepresented or misused, especially in contexts that perpetuate misogyny and double standards. It's concerning when discussions about relationship structures are used to justify harmful stereotypes or unequal expectations between genders. The idea that men and women should be held to different standards when it comes to relationships is a reflection of deeper societal issues around gender, power, and autonomy. Ethical non-monogamy, at its core, is about consent, communication, and respect for all involved. It challenges traditional norms and requires a level of honesty and openness that goes against the secrecy and betrayal associated with infidelity. When practiced ethically, it's not about minimizing what one owes their partner(s) but rather openly defining and respecting each other's needs and boundaries. It's important to recognize that the misuse of non-monogamy by some doesn't invalidate the experiences and choices of those who pursue it with integrity and respect. At the same time, it's perfectly valid for you to feel that non-monogamy isn't right for you or to question the motives behind why some people choose it, especially if those choices are influenced by harmful gender dynamics. Creating a world where all individuals, regardless of gender, can freely choose the relationship structure that works best for them—without coercion, hypocrisy, or inequality—is a worthy goal. It's about fostering respect, equality, and understanding in all forms of relationships.