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I have two older siblings, one brother and one sister. My sister an I used to fight like cats and dogs, but my brother is significantly older than I and we have not so great history. I do not want the relationship differences between my siblings and I to rub off on my nephews and neices, could you help me find ways to connect with them, without having to explain why our family gatherings are kind of set into pods/tables of people who get along and those who dont?

Absolutely, I can understand wanting to create a positive relationship with your nephews and nieces without delving into the complexities of adult relationships. Here are a few suggestions that might help: 1. **Initiate One-on-One Time:** Try to spend time with them individually. This could be as simple as taking them out for ice cream, doing a fun activity, or just chatting about their interests. It's easier to build a bond without the backdrop of family dynamics. 2. **Share Your Interests:** Find something you're passionate about that you think they might also enjoy and share it with them. It could be anything from a hobby, a sport, to a favorite book or movie. 3. **Be Present at Their Events:** Show your support by attending their school events, sports games, or any other activities they're involved in. Being there for them can make a big difference. 4. **Create Traditions:** Start a small tradition with them. It could be a yearly outing, a special holiday activity, or a project you work on together. This can give you both something to look forward to and create happy memories. 5. **Communicate Directly:** Use technology to your advantage. Sending them messages, funny memes, or videos shows you're thinking about them and helps keep the communication lines open. 6. **Be Positive and Supportive:** Always speak positively about their parents and other family members in front of them. Encourage them to see the good in others and be understanding of the different dynamics. Remember, the goal is to build a relationship based on your connection with them, not on the family's past or present tensions. By focusing on positive interactions and shared experiences, you can create a separate, meaningful bond with your nephews and nieces.

This is really encouraging. I always want to be that family member they can turn to in times of troubles, or honestly when they just want a person to talk to honestly and openly. I am not afraid of the hard subjects, and I do not want any of them to live through the trauma I did as a child. My sister's kids and my kids both know about the abuse we suffered, but I do not think my brother's kids are aware, and it is probably a bad idea to share that with them, isn't it

It's truly admirable that you want to be a supportive and open figure for your nieces and nephews, offering them a safe space for honest conversations. When it comes to discussing past trauma, like the abuse you and your sister experienced, it's a delicate situation. Your instinct about being cautious with sharing this information with your brother's kids is wise, especially considering their parents' rights to navigate such discussions. Focusing on creating a trusting and open relationship is key. This way, if they ever feel the need to talk about difficult topics, they know they can come to you. Being a supportive adult in their lives means being there for them, listening when they need to talk, and guiding them through challenges with empathy and without judgment. If a situation ever arises where it seems necessary for them to know about the past abuse for their safety or well-being, it's important to approach the topic with care and possibly involve a professional to ensure it's handled in a way that's healthy for everyone involved. Your role as a supportive, understanding, and non-judgmental figure can make a significant positive impact on their lives, regardless of the specific details they know about the past. Your effort to be there for them in the present is what truly matters.

Loving them is easy, being around my sister-in-law and her kids are no problem, I know there are times when i try very hard to keep the relationship open and communication open, however this does come at a cost to my mental health at times. I am the glue that keeps the family together in a way. My sister has been non-contact with my brother for years. At family gatherings, she will choose to sit at a different table every time and will avoid conversation at every turn. I do not have that switch feature, being able to turn off my brain and my emotions whenever our brother is near. I do try to just accept his existence and treat him like a sibling or adult should treat another. Do you think I could help my sister, and myself deal with this more naturally?

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load, trying to maintain peace and connection within your family while also managing your own emotional well-being. Your dedication to keeping the family together and fostering open communication is commendable, but it's also important to recognize the toll it can take on you. Helping your sister and yourself deal with this situation more naturally involves acknowledging and respecting each other's boundaries and emotional capacities. Here are a few suggestions: 1. **Open Dialogue:** Have an honest conversation with your sister about your feelings and concerns. Share your struggles with trying to be the family glue and express your desire to support each other. Understanding each other's perspective can strengthen your bond and help you navigate family dynamics together. 2. **Set Healthy Boundaries:** It's essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries for your mental health. This includes recognizing when you need to step back and allow others to manage their relationships. It's okay not to be the mediator all the time. 3. **Seek Support:** Consider seeking support from a therapist or a support group. They can offer strategies to handle family dynamics and emotional stress, providing a space for you and possibly your sister to explore your feelings and learn coping mechanisms. 4. **Self-Care:** Make self-care a priority. Engaging in activities that nourish your mental, emotional, and physical health can help you maintain your resilience and emotional bandwidth to deal with family matters. 5. **Empowerment Through Acceptance:** Sometimes, accepting that you cannot change others or certain situations can be empowering. Focus on what you can control—your actions, reactions, and whom you choose to invest your emotional energy in. 6. **Encourage Independent Relationships:** Encourage your sister to maintain her relationship with her nieces and nephews independently, if possible. This can help reduce the pressure on you and allow her to have a connection without the direct involvement of your brother. Remember, it's not solely your responsibility to keep the family united or to manage everyone's relationships. Providing support is valuable, but ensuring your well-being is equally important. Taking steps to protect your mental health isn't selfish—it's necessary.

I'm not sure if I have healthy boundaries, well I do know, I do not. Help me to create those healthier boundaries. My sister and I are close, and I love her, I help her with her bookkeeping and when her kids were younger I would watch them so that she could work or go on dates with her husband. I never felt used or any diifferences in our relationship. My husband things

It's great that you're recognizing the importance of establishing healthy boundaries, especially since it sounds like you have a very giving nature. Creating healthier boundaries isn't about withdrawing support or love from your sister or anyone else; it's about ensuring your generosity doesn't come at the expense of your well-being. Here are some steps to help you create and maintain healthier boundaries: 1. **Reflect on Your Limits:** Think about situations that make you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or taken for granted. Identifying these will help you understand where you need to set boundaries. 2. **Communicate Clearly:** Have an open and honest conversation with your sister about your needs. Let her know you're trying to create healthier boundaries for your well-being. Use "I" statements to express how you feel without placing blame, such as "I feel overwhelmed when I don't have enough time for myself." 3. **Learn to Say No:** Saying no can be challenging, especially when you’re used to saying yes. Remember, saying no doesn't make you a bad person or sister; it means you're taking care of yourself. Practice saying no to small things first to build your confidence. 4. **Offer Alternatives:** When you need to say no, you might find it easier to offer an alternative solution. For example, if you can't help with bookkeeping this week, suggest another time or recommend someone else who could assist. 5. **Prioritize Self-Care:** Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. This can be anything that helps you recharge, like reading, yoga, or spending time in nature. Self-care is essential for maintaining the energy you need to support others. 6. **Seek Support:** Consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can provide valuable insights into why setting boundaries might be difficult for you and offer strategies to help you maintain them. 7. **Adjust as Necessary:** Setting boundaries is an ongoing process. Be prepared to adjust them as your needs and circumstances change. Regularly check in with yourself to see how you're feeling and whether your boundaries are still serving you. Remember, setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and a crucial aspect of healthy relationships. It might take time for both you and your sister to adjust, but it can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling relationship in the long run.

She really is great, I know that when I needed her, she was there. My kids all have the best aunt. and my Aunt is a better mom than you attitude at times. That hurts, but I know that I am doing a good (ish) job with my kinds. they are all growing and looking into the future. Doing Better than I was at their ages. It must sound very self centered of me, I'm sorry.

Not at all, it doesn't sound self-centered. It sounds like you're doing your best in a complex family dynamic, and it's natural to have mixed feelings about it. Being a parent is incredibly challenging, and it's common to second-guess yourself, especially when comparing to others who seem to be doing better in some aspects. But remember, your kids having a great aunt doesn't diminish your role or the love you have for them. It's actually a bonus for your kids to have another supportive adult in their lives. It's clear you care deeply about your children and their future, and that's the hallmark of a good parent. Every parent has strengths and areas for growth, and it's okay to acknowledge and embrace both. Your efforts and love are making a positive impact on your children, helping them grow and look into the future, as you've noted. If your kids ever express the "better mom than you" sentiment, it might be helpful to have an open conversation about it. Sometimes, children say things without understanding the impact of their words. Discussing feelings openly can strengthen your relationship with them and provide them with a broader perspective on what you do for them and why. Remember, parenting isn't a competition. It's about providing love, support, and guidance in the best way you can. And from what you've shared, it sounds like you're doing just that. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your efforts and the positive environment you're creating for your children.

I often hear the Aunt P is better after they do not want to chores, or being punished for something slightly idiotic. At least one of my kids tells me I suck. Im sure its my 'sarcasm or other personalities are shining through

Hearing hurtful comments from your kids, especially during moments of conflict, can be really tough. It's important to remember that children and teenagers often say things in the heat of the moment that they don't fully mean, especially when they're upset or frustrated. Their emotional regulation skills are still developing, and they might not yet have the tools to express their feelings constructively. When your kids compare you to Aunt P or say hurtful things, it might help to view these comments as expressions of their current feelings rather than absolute truths about your parenting. Here are a few strategies you might find helpful: 1. **Stay Calm:** Try your best to stay calm and not take their words personally. This can be incredibly challenging, but reacting with anger or defensiveness can escalate the situation. 2. **Address the Behavior, Not the Emotion:** It's okay to let them know that it's not acceptable to say hurtful things, even when they're upset. You can acknowledge their feelings ("I understand you're upset right now") while also setting boundaries around respectful communication. 3. **Debrief Once Emotions Have Cooled:** Once everyone has had a chance to calm down, it might be helpful to have a conversation about what happened. This can be an opportunity to discuss more constructive ways to express feelings and to clarify any misunderstandings. 4. **Reflect on Communication Styles:** Consider whether your sarcasm or the way you express yourself might sometimes be misunderstood by your kids. It's an opportunity for self-reflection and possibly adjusting how you communicate during conflicts. 5. **Reinforce Your Love:** Make sure your kids know that your love for them is unconditional, even when you're upset or disappointed with their actions. Hearing that they are loved and valued, even in tough moments, is crucial. 6. **Seek Support:** Parenting is challenging, and it's okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can offer perspective and advice. Remember, no parent is perfect, and every family goes through tough times. What matters is your commitment to doing your best, learning, and growing together. Your love and concern for your children's well-being shine through, and that's what truly defines great parenting.