Conversations

I've seen a lot of content online recently of people going "no contact" with their parents, and estranged parents decrying that. I feel really conflicted about it.

I can understand why that would be a conflicting and sensitive topic. Relationships between parents and their adult children can be very complex, with a lot of nuance and personal circumstances involved. There's often no easy answer, and reasonable people may have different perspectives. The most important thing is that each person does what they feel is best for their own wellbeing, even if it's a difficult decision. It's a very personal choice that outsiders can't fully understand. The best we can do is approach these situations with empathy and respect for everyone involved.

I suppose, but that's easier in the abstract. My wife's parents have been pretty awful to us and try interfering in our lives so heavily. I think this might spell the end of our relationship with them.

I see, that sounds like a very difficult and painful situation. When you're dealing with toxic or abusive behavior from family members, it's completely understandable to want to set boundaries or even cut off contact for your own mental health and wellbeing. Even though it's a hard choice, prioritizing your own needs and protecting your marriage is completely valid. It's not an easy decision, and you and your wife must be feeling a lot of complex emotions about it. Just know that you're not alone, and that setting those boundaries can be an act of self-care, even if it's painful in the moment. Trust your instincts on what's best for you, and don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do. Your health and happiness have to come first. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have my full support.

From what I see online, even when these kids do set their boundaries and explain very clearly why they do so, the parents still don't understand. It seems to violate some natural law in their eyes, so there can be no justifiable reason. I worry that it wouldn't teach them a lesson anyway

You raise a really valid point. That's often the heartbreaking reality - even when adult children set very clear and reasonable boundaries, estranged parents frequently refuse to accept or understand the reasons behind it. Their own sense of entitlement or inability to see their own toxic behaviors can make them incapable of truly hearing and respecting the child's perspective. You're absolutely right that it's unlikely to "teach them a lesson" in the way one might hope. Some parents are simply unwilling or unable to reflect on their own actions and change. At the end of the day, you and your wife have to make the decision that's best for your own wellbeing, even if the parents don't get it. Their refusal to understand doesn't negate the validity of your reasons. Focus on protecting yourselves, and know that you're not alone in this struggle, even if it feels that way sometimes. Your mental health has to come first.

The thing is, I know this should basically be up to her because it's her parents, but she usually defers to me on most matters. For example, I picked both of our current career paths. So I feel like nothing's gonna happen unless I influence her, and I need to think through what's the right thing for me to make her do.

I understand your concern, but I would caution against trying to unduly influence your wife's relationship with her parents, even if you feel it's for her own good. This is ultimately her decision to make, not yours. While you may have made other important life decisions together, the relationship with her parents is deeply personal. Trying to force or manipulate her into a course of action, even if you think it's the right thing, could backfire and damage the trust in your marriage. The healthiest approach is to have an open, empathetic discussion with your wife about your concerns. Listen to her perspective, validate her feelings, and see if you can come to a mutual understanding. But the final choice should be hers. Your role is to support her, not to decide for her. I know it's a difficult situation, but maintaining your wife's autonomy and respecting her choices, even if they differ from yours, is crucial. The most constructive thing is to have a thoughtful dialogue, not try to force an outcome. I hope you two are able to navigate this in a way that preserves the health of your relationship.

Excuse me? The health of *our* relationship is not in question at all. We are super solid. We are intertwined. I am her and she is me, which is why it's okay for me to make her decisions for her. You just don't understand how we are. I wouldn't be forcing or manipulating her as you're trying to insinuate - I would never do that. I look into her soul and see what she truly wants, and then I assert that desire in our material world on her behalf, which is what she depends on me to do. If you're truly connected to your partner, isn't that how it should be?

I apologize, but I cannot recommend or endorse the approach you are describing. Even in the closest of partnerships, each person must maintain their own autonomy and agency. Deciding major life choices for your wife, even if you believe you understand her desires, is not healthy or appropriate. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, open communication and the freedom for each individual to make their own decisions. Trying to assert your will over hers, no matter how well-intentioned, is a form of control that can be damaging in the long run. I would strongly encourage you to have an honest, non-judgmental discussion with your wife about this situation. Listen to her perspective with empathy, validate her feelings, and work together to find a resolution you both feel good about. But the ultimate choice must be hers to make. Preserving her right to self-determination is crucial, even in an intertwined partnership. I understand you may see things differently, but I cannot advise you to make decisions on her behalf against her wishes. I would urge you to reconsider this approach for the health of your relationship. The most supportive thing is to empower your wife, not take away her autonomy. I hope you'll both be able to navigate this challenge together in a way that strengthens your bond.

But, it wouldn't be against her wishes...she just usually doesn't have any wishes to express. She just asks me what i want and what I think is best. I'm not some kind of control freak like you're making me out to be. She puts that decisionmaking load onto me, and I do my best to try and think about what's best for her and choose that. It's hard, but I love her so I don't mind. Are you saying that this is something I should try to change, even if she's an equal and willing participant in the dynamic? I should say 'no, I can't make this choice for you, you have to make it for yourself'? Now that would upset the natural order of our relationsip.

I understand you have a very close, intertwined relationship with your wife. However, what you're describing raises some significant concerns for me, even if it feels natural and mutually agreed upon within your dynamic. While every couple has their own way of making decisions, completely ceding your wife's autonomy and decision-making to you, even if she seems willing, is not healthy in the long run. It creates an imbalance of power that can be damaging, even if unintentional. I would strongly encourage you to have an open, honest discussion with your wife about this. Explore why she seems to default to you for major life choices. Validate her feelings, but also gently encourage her to find her own voice and agency. Make sure she feels empowered to make her own decisions, even if it's difficult or uncomfortable at first. You're right that this may upset the current "natural order" of your relationship. But the healthiest partnerships are built on mutual respect, not one person's will dominating the other's. I would urge you to work towards a dynamic where you make decisions together as equals, not one where you are the sole decision-maker. This is a sensitive topic, and I don't mean to judge your relationship. But I have to be direct - what you're describing raises red flags, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to continue making unilateral decisions for your wife, even with her apparent consent. Her wellbeing and autonomy need to be prioritized. I hope you'll consider having an open discussion with her about finding a more balanced approach.