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Hi, I'm struggling with a way to ask my husband to help me pay off some money I spent on a credit card he didn't know about. I am not sure, if I should broach the subject at all to be honest.

Hey there, it sounds like you're in a tricky situation. It's understandable to feel hesitant about bringing this up, especially when it involves finances and transparency within a relationship. However, honesty is often the best approach, especially in a partnership. Maybe you could find a quiet, stress-free time to talk to him, and explain the circumstances honestly. Let him know why you spent the money, how you're feeling about it now, and your thoughts on why his help would be meaningful. It's also important to be prepared for his reaction, which might include surprise or frustration, and to discuss how you both can avoid similar situations in the future. Approaching the conversation with openness and a willingness to work together towards a solution can really help.

I mean, I totally spent the money on stuff we needed, but I didn't feel I could ask him at the time for the money, not I am even worse off than before. It's just that, you know, he earns all the money, and my job pays so little. I already feel like I owe him so much.

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy emotional load on top of the financial stress. The fact that you spent the money on necessities, not luxuries, shows your intentions were in the right place. It's okay to need help, and it's okay to ask for it, especially from your partner. Sharing your feelings about the disparity in your incomes and how it makes you feel might also be important. It's not uncommon in relationships for one partner to earn more than the other, but that doesn't mean your contributions (financial or otherwise) are any less valuable. Opening up about your feelings might also give him a chance to reassure you and help you both find a way forward together. Remember, partnership is about supporting each other, through the ups and downs.

My husband is one of those get angry first and then calm down, and begin to get rational about things. Do you think it would be better to broach this topic on a car ride or text him before he comes home from work?

Navigating a conversation with someone who tends to react strongly at first can be challenging. Given your husband's initial reaction might be anger, it's essential to choose a setting where both of you feel safe and are less likely to be stressed by other factors. A car ride might not be the best setting for such a sensitive topic. It can limit your ability to have a productive conversation since the driver needs to focus on the road, and it could potentially create an uncomfortable situation if the conversation escalates. Texting him before he comes home might give him some time to process the information before responding. However, texts can sometimes make it hard to convey tone and nuance, and there's a risk of misunderstanding. If you choose to give him a heads-up, perhaps consider a brief message that acknowledges the importance of the discussion and suggests setting aside time to talk it through together at home. This way, you're signaling the need for a serious conversation, giving him space to absorb the initial news, and emphasizing your desire to work through it together.

Part of me just wants to ask one of His parents to lend me the money, or even my sibling and just avoid any confrontation at all.

It's understandable to want to avoid confrontation, especially when you're anticipating a difficult reaction. Seeking help from a family member, either his or yours, could be a temporary solution to the immediate financial issue. However, it might not address the underlying need for open communication between you and your husband. While borrowing the money could relieve the immediate financial pressure, consider the potential impact on your relationship if he finds out later, especially from someone else. It could lead to feelings of betrayal or mistrust, which might be harder to overcome than the original issue. If you decide to go this route, it might still be beneficial to have a conversation with your husband afterward, explaining your actions and the reasons behind them, emphasizing your intention to solve the problem without burdening him. It could be an opportunity to discuss financial management and communication within your relationship, to prevent similar situations in the future. It's a tough spot to be in, but prioritizing honesty and open communication can help strengthen your relationship in the long run.

Ok, so I am going to talk to him. I just need to figure out how to do it. Big Anvil style, Wile E Coyote, or Fly swatter? Any hints, tips since my two options you didn't really seem to think were great

Choosing to talk to him directly is a brave and constructive decision. It's all about finding a balance in how you approach the conversation—not dropping it like a big anvil, which could be overwhelming; not as indirect as a fly swatter, which might be too subtle; but more in a manner that is thoughtful and considerate. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the conversation: 1. **Choose the Right Time**: Look for a moment when both of you are calm and not preoccupied with other stresses. This ensures he's more likely to listen and respond thoughtfully. 2. **Set the Tone**: Start by expressing your commitment to your relationship and your desire to be honest and open. This sets a positive framework for the discussion. 3. **Be Honest and Direct**: Clearly explain the situation, including why you felt unable to talk to him about the spending at the time. Honesty will help build trust, even if the conversation is difficult. 4. **Express Your Feelings**: Let him know how you're feeling—your concerns about the financial situation, and your feelings of owing him. It's important he understands your perspective. 5. **Seek a Solution Together**: Instead of presenting the problem as something only you're dealing with, frame it as a situation you both can address together. Ask for his thoughts and any suggestions he might have. 6. **Listen**: Be ready to listen to his side, too. He might have concerns or feelings to share. Being heard is just as important for him as it is for you. 7. **Plan for the Future**: Discuss how you both can prevent similar situations in the future. Maybe it's a monthly financial check-in or a shared budget. Remember, the goal isn't just to solve the immediate issue of the credit card debt but also to strengthen your communication and trust. You're on the same team, and tackling challenges together can make your relationship stronger.

Ok, So what should I do if things just go kablooey on me. Or I end up freaking out in the middle of the conversation. I don't want to just end up balling my eyes out because I did a less than noble act with a financial decision. I have always been so much more level headed. I don't know why this is so hard

It's completely natural to feel anxious about a conversation like this, especially when it's about something that matters deeply to you. If things start to feel overwhelming or if you find yourself starting to panic or cry, it's okay to acknowledge those feelings in the moment. Here are a few strategies to consider: 1. **Take a Pause**: If you start to feel overwhelmed, it's perfectly okay to ask for a moment to collect your thoughts. A simple, "Can we pause for a second? I need to breathe," can give you a short break to regain composure. 2. **Acknowledge Your Emotions**: It's okay to express how you're feeling. Saying something like, "I'm feeling really anxious about this conversation because I care about us and our future," can help your husband understand your emotional state and hopefully encourage a more compassionate interaction. 3. **Prepare Notes**: Having some notes or key points written down can help if you find yourself getting lost or too emotional to remember everything you wanted to say. It's a way to keep the conversation on track even if emotions run high. 4. **Set a Safety Net**: Agree at the beginning of the conversation that if things get too heated or emotional, you'll both take a break and revisit the discussion later. Knowing there's an "out" can make the conversation feel less daunting. 5. **Seek Support**: If you find that conversations about finances consistently lead to distress, it might be helpful to seek support from a counselor or therapist, either individually or as a couple. They can provide strategies for communication and managing emotions during difficult conversations. Remember, showing emotion isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of your investment in the relationship and the issue at hand. It's okay not to be "level-headed" all the time. This is a tough situation, and it's natural to have strong feelings about it. Your honesty and vulnerability in expressing how much this means to you could even be the very thing that helps your husband understand the depth of the situation and brings you closer together.