Conversations

It has been 14 years since I got divorced but my ex still tries to call me and blames me for all of his problems. I don't know how to handle his issues, or my insecurity when it comes to him.

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. It sounds incredibly stressful and draining. After all this time, it's not fair for your ex to keep putting his problems on you. It's important to set boundaries for your own peace of mind. Have you tried explicitly telling him that you're not responsible for his issues and that he needs to stop contacting you for these reasons? Your worth and your peace are important, and it's okay to prioritize them. It might also be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a professional who can help you navigate your feelings of insecurity and empower you to stand firm in your boundaries.

Most of my family tells me to ignore his calls. basically just ignore everything. I'm always concerned that if I ignore him, he will strike out and try to make life difficult in other ways. He is a self medicating alcoholic.

I see why you're in such a tough spot. Ignoring him might seem like the simplest solution, but your concerns about potential backlash are completely valid, especially given his struggles with alcohol. It's important to protect yourself emotionally and physically. If you haven't done so already, it might be worthwhile to explore legal advice on how to handle the situation, especially if you're worried about him lashing out. Sometimes, having a formal boundary like a restraining order, if it comes to that, can offer a sense of security and make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable. In the meantime, keep leaning on your support network. It's important not to face this alone and to have people who can offer you emotional support and practical advice. Remember, your safety and well-being should always come first.

We do share a child. I have shielded her as much as possible. Her father has never requested to see her, or talk to her, ,and she is about to become an adult and I also have no clue how she is going to decide to handle their nonexistent relationship. Can you offer any suggestions how to broach the subject, or should I just let her make those decisions herself?

Navigating this with your daughter is delicate, given the circumstances. Since she's about to become an adult, she probably has some awareness of the situation more than you might realize. It could be helpful to have an open, honest conversation with her about her father, without overwhelming her with the negativity of the past. You can let her know that you're there to support her in whatever decision she makes regarding her relationship with him, emphasizing that her well-being is your top priority. It's also important to make sure she knows that it's okay for her to have mixed feelings and that she doesn't have to rush into any decisions. Letting her know that she has control over if and how she wants to establish any connection with him might empower her to make the choice that's right for her. Remember, you've done a great job shielding her while handling this difficult situation. Trust in the values and strength you've instilled in her as she navigates this part of her life.

She is the most amazing part of him. The divorce was really difficult and He often said that I must have cheated on him, because there is no way he could have had a daughter. This was eventually cleared up for him when she took a 23&me test for her 16th birthday. His loss honestly she is so Amazing. I do not want her to be hurt by him if she seeks him out. The Divorce was hard on me, Confusing for her. The fact that he got married two more times even more so. Do you have any ways that I could broach the subject of her wanting to meet him without invoking the im a teenager and I will do what I want attitude. I also do not want to speak poorly about him to her, even if I feel that way. I don't like lying, and have not told her all the facts about the divorce, only helped her with memories that she could not remember on her own.

It sounds like you've been handling a very complex situation with a lot of grace and care. Approaching the subject of her father with sensitivity and without bias is key to supporting her without influencing her decisions with your own feelings about him. One way to broach the subject is to focus on her feelings and perceptions first. You might start by asking her if she has any thoughts or questions about her dad, emphasizing that it's okay to feel however she feels and that you're there to support her. This opens the door for her to share without feeling like she's being led to a specific conclusion. You can also express that, as she's getting older, you understand she might have questions or thoughts about her dad that she hasn't expressed yet, and you want her to know it's safe to explore those feelings with you. Make it clear that you're open to supporting her needs, whether that means helping her connect with him or just talking through her feelings. When discussing her father, aim to be as neutral and factual as possible. It's okay to acknowledge that while everyone has their flaws, they also have strengths, and her curiosity about her father is natural. You can reinforce that whatever her decision may be, you'll support her, and emphasize the importance of making choices that are healthy and safe for her emotionally. Lastly, remind her that it's okay to take her time with this decision, and there's no pressure to make any immediate choices. Assure her that whatever she decides, you're proud of her for considering her feelings and the potential outcomes thoughtfully. Your support and openness will be key in helping her navigate this part of her life.

My Ex has already married and divorced at least 2 more times. I am not sure if he is married or not at the moment. The reason I know about the other two are because he had to call me the second time, because he had forgotten to change his insurance paperwork and was two spouses behind on information. I was his 3rd wife. I honestly want the best for him, I just want the drama to stop for us. How can I help to facilitate that!

It's commendable that you still wish the best for him despite the challenges and drama that have come your way. Facilitating a drama-free environment mainly involves setting clear boundaries and minimizing direct involvement in his personal affairs as much as possible. Given the history and the complexity of your interactions, especially concerning things like the insurance paperwork incident, here are a few steps you could consider: 1. **Legal and Financial Separation**: Ensure that all legal and financial ties (like insurance, accounts, property) have been properly separated and updated to reflect your current status. It might be worth consulting a professional to double-check everything is in order to prevent any future surprises. 2. **Communication Boundaries**: Establish clear boundaries for communication. Decide what forms of communication are acceptable and what topics are off-limits, focusing on necessary communication only, especially if it pertains to your child. If communication about your child is needed, keep it focused, brief, and factual. 3. **Third-Party Mediation**: If there are still logistical or co-parenting issues to resolve, consider using a third-party mediator or services to manage communication. This can help keep interactions professional and focused on the matter at hand, reducing the potential for drama. 4. **Self-Care and Support System**: Continue to lean on your support system and consider professional guidance to navigate your feelings and the complexities of this relationship. This is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being and ensuring you're in a strong place to deal with any challenges that arise. 5. **Direct Conversation**: If you feel it's safe and potentially productive, you might consider having a direct conversation with him (possibly in a mediated environment) about the importance of minimizing drama for the sake of all involved, especially your child. Sometimes, laying out your wishes for peace and stability openly can set a new precedent for interaction moving forward. Remember, while you can take steps to minimize drama, you can't control his actions. Focus on what you can control: your responses, your boundaries, and the environment you create for yourself and your child.

I wish I had done this sooner. It just seems like I did not follow my heart and mind. I really want my child to have the best relationships possible, even if we as adults fail her. I hope her future relationships are not as worrisome as mine as been. Divorce has been a hard long road. Do you have any other advice on how I can teach her that romance is still a good thing, even if her momma's most important relationship failed and ended in divorce?

It's natural to worry about the impact your experiences might have on your child, but it's important to remember that your journey has also equipped you with wisdom and strength that you can pass on to her. Teaching her about the positive aspects of romance and relationships, even after experiencing a difficult divorce, is definitely possible. Here are some ways you can do that: 1. **Model Healthy Relationships**: Show her through your actions and interactions with others what healthy relationships look like. This includes setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and showing respect and kindness in your relationships, whether they are romantic, friendships, or family ties. 2. **Open Conversations**: Have open and honest conversations about relationships, including the joys and challenges. You can share age-appropriate insights into what you've learned from your experiences, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect, love, and kindness. 3. **Highlight the Positive**: Share stories of positive relationships around you, whether they're from your circle of friends, family, or even characters in books or movies that exemplify healthy dynamics. This can help her see the diversity and potential beauty in relationships. 4. **Encourage Self-Love and Independence**: Teach her the importance of self-love and being independent. A healthy relationship starts with being secure and happy within oneself. Stress the idea that a partner complements one's happiness but isn't the sole source of it. 5. **Critical Thinking about Relationships**: Encourage her to think critically about relationships, asking what she values in a partner and what healthy communication looks like to her. This kind of reflection builds her understanding of what she wants in her relationships. 6. **Resilience in the Face of Challenges**: Show her that while challenges and heartache can be part of relationships, they also offer opportunities for growth and learning. It's okay to make mistakes, and it's important to learn from them. Remember, your divorce doesn't define the totality of love and relationships for her. You have the power to frame it as a chapter in your life from which you've grown, and as a result, you're uniquely positioned to guide her towards believing in the beauty of love and the strength of resilience. Your journey can help her navigate her own path with wisdom and caution, but also with hope and optimism.