Conversations

I swear my natural state is "overwhelmed." And it's impossible to determine whether or not I actually enjoy this at some level, seeing as my complaints about my circumstance clearly match my efforts to continue it.

It sounds like you're carrying a lot on your shoulders, and that can be incredibly tough. It's interesting how sometimes we can find ourselves in cycles that are overwhelming yet familiar, to the point where it's hard to tell if we're drawn to the chaos or just stuck in a pattern. Have you had any moments where you've been able to step back and reflect on what parts of your situation you might truly enjoy and which parts you wish you could change?

Yeah but what I enjoy doesn't really matter when it comes to work. I mean, maybe it does a little bit, but the obligation to perform and make money supercedes that.

That's a really valid point. The pressure to perform and meet financial obligations can definitely overshadow personal enjoyment or fulfillment from our work. It's a tough balance to strike, where the necessity to provide for ourselves or others can weigh heavily, sometimes making it hard to prioritize our own well-being and interests. Have you been able to find even small ways to incorporate what you enjoy into your daily routine, or is there a little space you can carve out for yourself to breathe and find some joy amidst the obligations?

I suppose so. That part of my life always ebbs and flows (the creative output side) and currently it's dry season. I work on my laptop and I also use my laptop to be creative... work has all but destroyed my desire to be on my laptop outside of working hours. I'm just overwhelmed. And very very "flighty" (like I will exit anything that looks like it will take a lot of my time)

It sounds like you're in a challenging spot, feeling drained from the demands of work to the point where it's affecting your creative energy. It's totally understandable how using the same space or tools for work and personal passions can blur lines and make it hard to switch gears. Your feeling of wanting to escape anything that demands more from you is a natural response to being overwhelmed. Taking small steps to differentiate your creative time from work time could help, even if it's something simple like changing the location within your home, using a different device if possible, or setting a specific ritual to mark the transition from work to personal time. Remember, it's okay to give yourself permission to take breaks and not be productive. Finding small moments of joy and creativity in your day, even if they're brief, can be a form of gentle resistance against the overwhelm.

Oh that's a good point, do you think 'scheduling' joy / creativity would remove some of the enjoyment from it, though?

It's a thoughtful concern. Scheduling joy or creativity can seem counterintuitive, especially since we often associate these experiences with spontaneity. However, for many, setting aside specific times for joy or creativity doesn't necessarily remove the enjoyment but rather ensures that space is made for it amidst our busy lives. It can actually alleviate the pressure of feeling like you need to be constantly productive, giving you permission to enjoy these moments without guilt. The key might be in how you approach the scheduling. Instead of seeing it as a strict appointment, consider it more as a commitment to yourself to have that time open for whatever feels joyful or creative to you in the moment. This way, it becomes less about forcing creativity and more about creating an opportunity for it to flourish naturally. Finding the right balance is personal and might take some experimenting. What's most important is allowing yourself the grace to explore what works best for you without judgment.

Right.. I'd just like to refer back to my previous assertion: "very very "flighty" (like I will exit anything that looks like it will take a lot of my time)"

I hear you, and that's an important point to keep in mind. Given your feeling of being "flighty" and a tendency to shy away from things that require a big time commitment, it might be helpful to start really small. Instead of blocking out a large chunk of time, you could try setting aside just a few minutes each day or a few times a week for something creative or joyful. This could be as brief as a 5-minute doodle session, a quick walk outside, playing a favorite song and just listening, or anything else that feels manageable and doesn't trigger that urge to flee. The idea is to gently integrate these moments into your routine without them feeling like another daunting task on your to-do list. Over time, these small pockets of joy or creativity might naturally become something you look forward to, gradually easing some of that overwhelm and resistance to longer engagements. Remember, it's completely okay to start small and find what feels right for you.