Conversations

I worry that I don't know how to approach / initiate intimacy with my partner. I've noticed this pattern throughout my life and I have diagnosed the issues with this lack of knowledge.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit stuck and maybe even a bit frustrated with this situation. It's really understandable to feel this way, especially when it's something that matters to you deeply. Initiating intimacy can be daunting, especially if you feel like you haven't quite got the hang of it yet. It's great, though, that you're reflecting on this and seeking to understand it better. Have you had a chance to talk to your partner about these feelings? Sometimes, sharing these concerns can open up a new level of understanding and connection between you two.

Yeah my partner has explicitly said things like "you don't initiate" for years. And I do initiate in my own, perhaps neurospicy, way. I find cuteness and comedy to be sexy. But that's not what my partner finds sexy.

It sounds like you're really trying to bridge that gap between you and your partner's perceptions of intimacy, which shows a lot of care and effort on your part. The difference in what you both find appealing or sexy can be challenging, but it also opens up a space for dialogue and growth together. Since your partner has expressed their feelings, maybe you could have a deeper conversation about what initiation looks like to each of you and find a middle ground that respects both of your needs and comfort zones. Exploring new ways to connect that feel authentic to you, while also being mindful of your partner's desires, can be a journey that brings you closer. It's all about finding that balance and understanding each other's languages of love and intimacy.

This isn't really helpful. I just need help with the approaching and initiating of intimacy. I understand that there's nuance and everybody is different blah blah. I need help initiating intimacy with my partner. How do people show others that they are wanting to FUCK.

I hear you, and I appreciate your directness. Initiating intimacy, especially in the context you're describing, often involves clear communication and sometimes, a bit of courage to express your desires openly and directly. Here are a few straightforward tips that might help: 1. **Direct Communication**: Sometimes, the most effective approach is to be direct about your desires. This doesn't have to be devoid of your personal style (like humor or cuteness), but it should clearly convey your intentions. A straightforward "I'm really attracted to you right now" or "I want you" can be powerful. 2. **Physical Cues**: Non-verbal cues can also signal your interest. Think about gentle touches, kisses that linger a bit longer, or even a certain look that you share. These actions can communicate your desire without words. 3. **Create the Atmosphere**: Sometimes setting the scene can help signal your intentions. This could be through dimming the lights, playing music that both of you find sensual, or even starting with a massage. These actions can non-verbally communicate your desire to escalate intimacy. 4. **Be Open About Your Feelings**: Sharing how you feel attracted to them and expressing your desire for a closer physical connection can be both vulnerable and appealing. It’s about making your partner feel desired. 5. **Ask What They Like**: Since your partner has expressed a wish for you to initiate more, asking them directly what kind of initiation they find sexy or compelling can give you specific ideas to work with. It's important to remember that every couple is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Finding a way to express your desires that feels true to you and is also responsive to your partner's signals is key. And, as with anything in a relationship, this can take some trial and error. Keep the lines of communication open, and try to approach this with a sense of exploration and fun for both of you.

Ok thank you. It's points 2 & 3 that I'm struggling with. I know what he finds sexy... but to jump into that from normalcy never feels natural. Do I just need to ignore those thoughts and facilitate the change of mood myself?

It's really common to feel that way, especially when transitioning from everyday interactions to a more intimate setting. It might not always feel natural at first, and that's okay. Your feelings are valid, and it's great that you're reflecting on this and seeking ways to make it work for both of you. Yes, in a way, facilitating the change of mood yourself can be a good approach. Think of it as creating a bridge from your day-to-day interactions to the intimacy you desire. Here are a couple of ideas to make this transition smoother: 1. **Gradually Escalate**: You don't have to leap directly into the deep end. Small, affectionate gestures can naturally lead to more intimate ones. For example, holding hands, an arm around the shoulders, or a casual back rub can organically escalate to more intimate physical contact. 2. **Use a Signal**: Sometimes, having a shared signal or phrase that means you're in the mood can help make the transition feel more natural. This could be an inside joke, a specific compliment, or a certain look that you both understand means you want to take things further. 3. **Make It a Ritual**: Creating a ritual around initiating intimacy can help make the transition feel more natural over time. This could be something like lighting candles and playing music after dinner, which signifies moving into a more intimate space together. 4. **Communicate Your Intentions**: Sometimes, just saying, "I want to be closer to you right now" can help shift the mood. Expressing your desire to change gears and create a more intimate setting can help make the transition smoother for both of you. 5. **Lead by Example**: If verbal cues feel challenging, you might start with an action. For example, gently guiding your partner to a more private setting or starting with a massage can signal your intentions without needing to say anything directly. Remember, it's completely normal for this to feel a bit awkward at first. The more you practice and communicate, the more natural it will become. It's all about finding what works for you and your partner, and sometimes, embracing the awkwardness can even lead to moments of joy and closeness.

Ok these are good, distant, techniques. But lets try to zoom in on the more personal side of this... how can I make sure my partner feels WANTED by me? In a way that turns him on?

Absolutely, focusing on making your partner feel deeply wanted and desired is key in creating a connection that's both emotionally and physically intimate. Here are more personalized strategies: 1. **Compliments and Affirmations**: Tell your partner what you find attractive about them, focusing on specifics. Whether it's physical features, their personality, or the way they do certain things, letting them know can significantly boost the feeling of being desired. Make your compliments specific, and tie them to your desire for intimacy. 2. **Initiate With Confidence**: Even if you're feeling nervous inside, showing a bit of confidence in your approach can be very attractive. This doesn't mean you have to be someone you're not; rather, it's about embracing your desire for your partner and letting that show through your actions and words. 3. **Eye Contact**: Maintaining eye contact during intimate moments can be incredibly powerful. It's a non-verbal way of showing your partner that they have your full attention and that your desire is focused on them. 4. **Touch**: Integrate touch that lingers and feels intentional. Explore touches that your partner responds well to outside of sexual contexts and incorporate those into your intimate moments. It could be running your fingers through their hair, light touches down the arm, or gentle caresses on the back or neck. 5. **Express Your Desires Openly**: Share with your partner what you want in a way that makes them feel integral to the experience. Frame your desires around your attraction and need for them, making it clear that it's their presence and involvement that you crave. 6. **Listen and Respond to Their Cues**: Pay close attention to how your partner responds to your gestures and words. Adjusting your approach based on their reactions shows that you're attuned to their needs and desires, further making them feel wanted. 7. **Be Present**: In moments leading up to intimacy, focus entirely on your partner. Make them feel like they're the center of your world by minimizing distractions and engaging fully with them. 8. **Create a Build-Up**: Throughout the day, use messages or small gestures to let them know you’re thinking about them in a more intimate way. This anticipation can make the actual moment feel even more desired. 9. **Vulnerability**: Share your desires and why you find them attractive. Letting your guard down and being vulnerable can deepen your connection and make your partner feel uniquely desired. Remember, the key to making your